I was watching the trailer for The Theory of Everything, a new biographical film on Stephen Hawking’s life and at the end of the trailer Stephen says “There is no limit to human endeavour. Where there is life there is hope”.
This quote felt really particularly resonant to me as one of those really powerful quotes about this whole idealistic notion of the human spirit and it’s resilience despite the many limitations and obstacles life throws at us. Afterwards I was reading more into Stephen’s life and there is such a big theme of optimism and this notion of living your life to the best of your ability, “to make the most of whatever gifts are given to us” and following an idealistic course in life. Whenever I read and come across ideas like this, I feel so compelled by the beauty of the vision humanity lives by. That despite “it’s sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.” Then I went and proceeded to go foraging back to some of my old blogs I kept in high school and I found this excerpt from one of my old blogs: “I want to extinguish myself. To no longer be. No, please you mustn’t. Little light, brave the storm.” I have no idea where I found this quote...or perhaps I wrote it oh so long ago but I’ve always been drawn to this imagery of “braving the storm”. I think it’s interesting to keep a record, a blueprint if you will, of a mind as the years go by. To note the subtle changes that move slowly underneath the surface until one day, you look back and you realise you are a completely different person and the girl that wrote these words seems almost like a stranger. I recollect my high school years as being quite shelled up in my introversion. And very cautious. I held up a lot of repressed feelings inside me and as what Albert says to Victoria in one of my all-time favourite films The Young Victoria - “I know what it like to live alone, inside your head, while never giving a clue as to your real feelings” always struck a strong chord within me. Whenever I read my old writing, I always get this very keen impression of the perpetual depression that seems to overlay my high school years. But now I notice that I wasn’t so much depressed as much as I was always too hyper-aware of the fundamental existential crisis of the human condition. I know that sounds like a kind of pretentiously vebose way to put it but I think that it is a distinction that must be made. I also noticed I have been drawn to this idea of life being about “making at least a few poor life decisions” not just recently but for a while. I found this excerpt from more than four years ago now where I wrote that I wanted “to live life with reckless abandon. No regrets”. As I have written in previous posts, I think I have always been compelled to these notions of extremity.
Anyway, casting this totally nostalgic tangent aside, in terms of a life update - so much has happened since I wrote my last post, it's kind of crazy. But I've already decided I'm not going to bore you with the details dear Reader, for even I myself don't have the patience for it. But to surmise the gist of it, I feel like so much and so little has been going on at the same time, recently. I know that sounds entirely self-contradictory but you surely must be used to me by now forever contradicting myself in these perpetual musings. It is like I am living in two worlds where on one side I have been quite busy being a typical uni student and trying my best to balance the fine triangle of good grades, sleep and a social life and on the other side I feel as equally messed up as everyone is in this world and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing with my life sometimes. I caught up with Luke and Josh the other day and I was describing my decision to study IT as something I have become completely accustomed to psychologically (via this interesting theory of humans being psychologically inclined to see decisions they make in hindsight as the best one they could have made and become accustomed/adapt to it) and Josh made the interesting comment that isn't that really demoralising that I perceive it this way as it reflects more on my lack of vision for doing this, per se haha. But I refuted this by saying that I also do firmly believe that I am heading in the right direction with my studies to my life objectives which is to A) Work in a field that I find compelling and B) Do my part and contribute something of essence to this world.
Also another noteworthy thing I should mention is that I have changed my mind quite comprehensively on my previous post and for future reference, I must do my best not to confuse the fine line between desire for companionship and actual sentimental affection. Anyway, I probably should get back to studying! Need to catch up on quite a few things this week.
