Sunday, October 28, 2012

29th October: The Modern exam

So, I just finished the Modern exam.

Disclaimer: Incoherency may ensue due to post-exam Jess reflecting on her exam.

Before the exam, it was kind of strange but I was panicking because I thought I couldn't possibly remember all my notes in their greater than 88 page totality, all the dates, all the people, all the German names (which were seriously the death of me...), all the stuff that HAPPENED. Even the ideas, I struggled to keep in my head that I felt like as soon as I read them and tried to recount them back to myself they would just quickly dissipate into thin air and it...was yeah, difficult. Other reasons why I was panicking was also a result of:
a. An overwhelming sense of insufficient preparation
b. The full extent of the course
c. Did I mention insufficient preparation?

I basically did not get a chance to revise WWI and Albert Speer and Germany much at all until yesterday. Yeah, that's how bad it was. I was mainly focusing on finishing up my summary notes Pacific Conflict and reconsolidating my knowledge for that because I found it the most confusing topic out of all of them. Which is is kind of frustrating as I didn't even end up finishing the question on it which was actually on something I DID know which was the role of British and US policy from 1937-41 that caused the outbreak of the Pacific war....blah, so when I look back at it now it does feel kind of futile. Like, I didn't even write about anything into the Course of the Pacific War or reasons for the end of the defeat...But I guess, still, it helped me feel a larger sense of preparation for the exam in that if they didn't ask a Pacific tensions question, I would be able to write something about it unlike in the trial where I had only the choice between a turning points question and a effect of the war on civilians in occupied territories. And back then since I didn't know crap about any of the turning points let alone why the battle of Coral Sea was significant as a turning point in the Pacific War and I had a vague understanding of impact on civilians so I did that.

Anyway, so how I went in the exam- a little caught off guard by the Home front questions in WWI as I hadn't really revised sufficiently for it however I put my best foot forward anyway and did my best to answer the 8 mark question which in hindsight, may have been completely WRONG as I confused the changed attitudes in the home fronts in Germany and Britain to changed soldiers' attitudes which is in the War on the Western front dot point that I am most familiar with..blah. I should have mentioned things like the British naval blockade on Germany and German U-Boat campaign from 1917 and the inefficiency of German war administration compared to British administration and ugh..fail. I think I did okay for the Germany question where I picked the transition question which required an assessment of the extent to which Hitler coming into power was a result of lack of opposition. I linked his coming to power to the collapse of the Weimar democracy and voila, Weimar question! Yeah..I'm not sure if that was allowed but it made sense at the time...and there was no other way I could have incorporated the dot points now that I think about it UNLESS I linked it with Weimar. I hope it was okay because yeah, I didn't really feel confident enough about Nazi foreign policy to do the other question..yeah, insufficient preparation strikes again. The personality question was alright and my main issue was really a. lack of time and b. lack of practice in forming a coherent argument about the controversy of Speer's life. Because in the end, it was not lack of content that disappointed me like I thought it would but rather...insufficient preparation. Ah, I should have practiced more personality questions. So I ended up just tossing in all I knew about Speer without really connecting it as I was feeling the pressure of time constraints at that point and I hadn't even started the Pacific War question yet. Also I promptly forgot most of my historians' names so I ended up..writing similar sounding names in the exam. Blah.

It was also strange because while I was writing my response to the Germany section it struck me as very cool that I was being examined on such an interesting topic of how a democracy transforms into a dictatorship in the case study of the Weimar Republic collapse into the arguably, totalitarian state of Nazi Germany. Which filled me with a vague sense of sadness of the finality of doing a history exam as I have no intentions of continuing studying history at an academic level in university. (This may sound slightly paradoxical but yeah, my stress in preparing for such an essay, information-overload based subject highlighted this to me, history is interesting but study of the humanities at academic standards is just not for me, I would prefer the more logical nature of completing maths sets)

So yeah, that's how I did the Modern exam. I was hoping for 80+ but I feel like it all will be very much based on the examiner's immense kindness to get above 80....so much incoherence in the Personality section. And the Pacific section was incomplete. WW1 and Germany- hopefully ok.


Friday, October 19, 2012

19th October: Just freeze time around me and stay forever in that while

So it's the 19th October.
I am doing my HSC exams.
I feel like if I keep on repeating that statement it will feel somewhat more real to me. For the most part, I think I definitely overconceptualised it. I always overconceptualise things. But in this instance, more so as I always thought the HSC was something that changes you. That turns you into this super-dedicated person and you come out with a 99.95 ATAR or something, Idk haha. I guess what I believed was that you can be anything you want to be. You can do anything you want to be. But what I forgot was this essential truth -that may seem totally obvious- you cannot become someone better if you remain the way you are. Or something along those lines. I always feel like I am on this path regardless however. Like, I always desire self-improvement. However, whether I achieve it or not - I really don't know.

I feel like change is such a subtle thing. It is slow and silent and you don't notice it's day to day stirrings. But when you look back- when I look back to the girl I was 5 years ago, first starting high school, I definitely am not the same girl anymore. Which made me wonder - what kind of people are we, regardless of these kind of changes, that seem to accompany intrinsically the rivers of time? Which is what I find interesting about the Myer-Briggs Personality Test. It's a really interesting idea to construe, this whole notion of putting people into nice, shiny little psychological boxes. Scientifically proven, tested, true, authentic. To understand yourself, truly from the objective lens of science. I know the test is more of a guide then a definition but regardless, I think it's interesting how accurate it is. I, for instance was evaluated an INTJ. And while I can not identify with 100% of the characteristics on my personality profile I can verify with a large majority of it. Which is kind of scary and affirming at the same time. 

My profile is labelled 'The Strategist'. I never thought that this was the way I thought previously but I am realising more and more how much it rings true. For instance, I didn't realise it but I am a person who always plans for contingency. Which is perhaps also why I don't like to presume in most social contexts. Which is also an introverted thing I wonder? Anyway, there's really too much to really go into in a blog post but yeah, that's my semi-epiphany I just needed to articulate for whatever reason.

Also, it's interesting, I never thought about it before until recently- language can be such a powerful form of psychological treatment. In the words of John Green:
by having language to describe this and metaphors to understand it, the whole affair becomes a little less terrifying. And you can even use language to reconstitute yourself, to say, “I have not become part of some infinite vacuum; I am a human being.” Language is insufficient treatment, of course, even for my relatively minor psychological challenges. But it’s a very useful one, and I think the central reason that David Foster Wallace’s work has become so important to so many people is that it made them feel unalone, even in their most deeply solipsistic places.

Also- this song!



Sunday, April 29, 2012

April 30th: Legend of Korra

Okay this show - a little bit of a rocky start with the shoddy quality leaked episode and all but seriously brilliant! Episode by episode recreating and reshaping the world of Avatar I feel that we, as long time fans, have missed. It's perfect how they captured just the right balance of nostalgia, poignance and revolution all in that beautifully elegant philosophical Avatar way. The new title sequence is also awesome. I know some people don't like the new changes but I think like the first show, its something that keeps getting better as the series run. I've come to really appreciate just the new time period, all the subtle referencing back to the characters we grew to know and love in the Last Airbender and the realistic social changes that are taking place (which suspiciously resemble the proletariat-bourgeoisie class struggle haha) which really adds dimension to this new steam-punk bending world I think. There's also this very strong element of loss I think that the Avatar creators seem to always weave powerfully through their shows. From the poignance of the loss that Aang felt in the first show, being the last Airbender - all the people he ever knew gone forever - to the loss that is weaved solemnly in the very atmosphere of the Legend of Korra - the loss of the old, pre-Equalist revolutionary world where bending was upheld by all the people, the loss an old Katara feels being the "only" one left; Sokka, Aang, Toph, Zuko all gone.

So yeah, a promising beginning for a sequel to a brilliant show. Now it's on break for another month. Ugh, there's that weird American airing schedules coming up again.

Friday, April 27, 2012

April 28th: SLiDE, back to school, Yr 12 jackets and work

If you haven't watched SLiDE, you should watch it. Seriously, like, now. Especially if you're Australian. It's basically a more comedic, less dramatic Australian version of Skins and I honestly can not describe how awesome this show is. Just watch it.

On that note, so school's back since this Tuesday. Nothing major yet, mostly just getting back our half yearly results which has been less than thrilling. Especially getting my Ext Maths and Chem results ugh (>.<;) It's weird because those were the subjects I prepared the most for and I did the worst in? Does that even make sense? Like I prepared so insufficiently for Modern and Japanese and recycled old essays for my English speech and I received the highest marks for them...I don't know if its either A) My Eng, Modern and Japanese teachers are going easy on me or B) I am really, naturally better at Humanities. My mum's always going on about this - that I shouldn't do Engineering or Science as I feel naturally inclined towards. But apparently not as good at.
Should I just give up on ever being an engineer or doing anything in science/research? But then again, I know that this year round even though I prepared the most for Chem and Maths, in comparison to previous exams I prepared so completely insufficiently. I mostly stressed, freaked out which left me with no motivation to study. And I think that also Chemistry and Ext 1 are one of those subjects where you can't really just wing it like I did with my Modern and Japanese. Like, in Japanese I didn't know all the vocab (but I do intend to learn them from now on...I know I lost focus before) but I had been getting so much practice with Japanese conversation in the past few weeks (and translating in this blog) so I already knew all the structures and we don't have to know that much kanji for the Beginner's course so that wasn't too difficult to write the ji. Even though I came out of that exam thinking it was the worse performance I've ever done in a Japanese exam I somehow pulled through with a 96. I have a strong feeling this will not be the case for the HSC and trials so I need to study harder than ever if I want to get the best possible academic result I am capable of. It was the same for Modern, I revised the reading from the text book and got out 2 historians names the day before, prepared 2 essay plans and remembered the rest. No extra notes like I usually do except the ones that I had already done for WWI last year. Nothing. It makes me feel like if this is what I can do with minimal preparation then maybe it is possible for me to achieve a higher mark with comprehensive preparation.

Anyway, long rant; long story short - I need to keep focused. I lost so much of that this year but from now on, I understand what to prioritise more now.

We also received our Yr 12 jackets that Chantelle designed for us yesterday afternoon which was exciting. It looks a lot like varsity jackets haha but I think it's a cute design and much better than last years. And also its just really cool not having to wear our blazers anymore you know? Like, what makes us Yr 12ers. I almost feel like I should feel different from how I felt when I was in Yr 10. Like in an older, more mature way but in many ways I still feel my understanding of the way things work in this world is so incomplete.
Waiting for our jackets - Dave and Ally-wa!

Other miscellaneous work story: Being the weird Asian girl.

So I was just emptying the bin out into this big dumpster out in the back which is shared between the Thai, Italian and the Chinese restaurants. When I tipped in however all these flies suddenly came out and I  , thinking no one else was around, said rather loudly to myself "Gross gross gross" and then when I turned to go back there were these 3 guys from one of the other restaurants who were just chilling, on their lunch break staring at me and it was pretty embarrassing haha....that'll be my identifier to them from now on - the weird Asian girl.

Ehh better get started on my Personality speech for Modern. Ugh its due in two weeks and I haven't started. Signing off!


Friday, April 13, 2012

April 13th: Holidays

It's Friday 13th! I didn't see any black cats or anything really out of the ordinary auspicious but I only realised it was Friday 13th when I just looked at my Macbook top navi bar to check the date for this post heading. I did however eat a cinnamon pretzel. Does that count as auspicious? Because I like never eat cinnamon pretzels (or pretzels in general) and I felt a little sick from all the sugar afterwards..but then again, I ate mee go reng noodles from the Chinese take away yesterday and I also felt sick afterwards so perhaps I should stop buying from fast food outlets that are clearly unhealthy altogether.

So a quick log-style update of things I've been doing this first week of holidays:
haul!

sunniess

  • went shopping today with Ally-wa; found this really cute star top from Cotton On, 2 new headbands and Across the Universe for only $3!! Also was slightly fangirling over Michael Grant's new book Fear in Dymocks with Ally-wa ha..XD 
  • worked on Thursday (met K/Crystal and Margaret)
  • was sick on Tues-Wed
  • Ally-wa, Mim and KT over for a picnic on Terrigal beach (or in Kurt's words we "walked outside") and sleepover

Tomorrow I have work so hopefully afterwards I will be able to get more work done than I have done in the last week (^.^;)/

今日は金曜日13日!黒い猫を見ないけど、cinnamon pretzel を食べたあとで、ちょっとおなかがいたいんでした。不運だよ!とくになぜなら今日は金曜日13日だから。だけど、きのう中国の持ち帰りからラメーンを食べた後で、もおなかがいたいんでした。。もしかしたら、わたしはファストフードの所から売ることを止めります。

1目の秋の2週間休みにことしている:
  • 今日、アリワと一緒に買い物をした:Cotton-On からほんとうにかわいいシャツや二つ鉢巻やAcross the Universeという本を買った。
  • 木曜日にアルバイトをした
  • 火曜日から水曜日まで、かぜをひいた
  • テリガルのビーチでアリワとミリアームとKTと一緒にピクニックに行った
明日、アルバイトまたをしなきゃけど、仕事の後で忌と、もっとべんきょうします。


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

April 11th: Goong and being sick

Over the past few days I caught a cold. Stuffy nose, puffy eyes and perpetual thirstiness and tiredness and all that. Which gave me an excuse to basically be an absolute lazy cat and finish watching the 2006 Korean drama Goong (Princess Hours) and live off instant noodles while my room is a complete mess and my homework remains incomplete.
Shin & Chaekyung!!

OMGOSH THESE TWO ARE SO ADORABLE <33

Sorry a little fangirling now but seriously, such a cute drama. With a cute ending. You guys should watch it. Especially approx 8:06 on episode 16. Seriously adorable. 

今週風をひいたから、らんだに習ったで、全部日Goongという韓国のドウラマを見た。このドウラマはすごくかわいかった〜〜!!☆ 

Saturday, April 7, 2012

April 6th: Exams and the Hunger Games

So I am feeling a mix of feelings right now. I mean I’m happy that exams are finally, finally over after the last two weeks of intense ordeal - which mainly came in the form of insufficient preparation-related stress in which I was seriously driven completely insane by. Like if my mental state of being was a flower I would have totally withered. Wait, crap that’s a bad analogy. Especially since the flower analogy is used for something else. Which I am definitely not talking about. Who even uses that analogy anymore anyway? It’s so ridiculously patriarchal and archaic. Nevertheless I definitely am not talking about that. So coming with that context of insufficient preparation related stress I am also feeling a little bit of horror right now mixed with relief. Is that even possible to feel simultaneously? It’s like my completely horrible evaluative statement the other day in my Modern exam on assessing the extent to which the Depression caused the Weimar Republic’s collapse. Instead of writing - like any rational person whose teacher has drilled them 100 times to EVALUATE in every question because apparently the BOS values our opinions (on the appearance of one anyway) - the actual extent like say “to a great extent” or to a “small extent”, I wrote - “to a moderately significant extent the Depression led to the Weimar Republic’s demise”. Is “demise” even really the most appropriate word? And what the heck does “moderately significant” mean? For some reason while I was writing it I felt quite clever but in hindsight not so much. My superiority complex was both delusive and not at all conducive to my exam technique.

 Moving on, there was also the Extension Maths exam. I have never felt more miserable in a maths exam than that exam. It was horrible and all manners of terrible. Feelings of absolute failure and the inherent superiority of my fellow Ext Maths-ers around me taking the exam were predominant. While I knew my exams were then and I had time to prepare for it while doing other assessments as well I didn’t because I always felt like it was this upcoming thing y’know? Like it feels like this thing that isn’t really real until I’m actually in the exam room and feeling absolutely terrible for preparing so insufficiently for it.

So in conclusion, while I may not have performed my best in these exams it has taught me the realistic need to study.

Other things I’ve been doing recently:new job and WATCHED THE HUNGER GAMES (so excited for that)
Went with Mim, KT, Ally-wa and Luke to celebrate the end of exams on Thursday after my Japanese exam. It was SO FREAKING GOOD. Like seriously as novel to film adaptions go, that was amazing good. The cast, Peeta and Katniss were complete adorableness, the set, the costumes, the acting, the script, the composition and as my friend commented (which may or may not be slightly paraphrased) “the ability to pull off a romantic subplot in a post-apocalyptic plotline”. His comment is also quite credible coming from an Ext English student who has been studying Genre conventions over the last term. He know his subplots. (<—- lol that would be such a weird “That’s what she said” joke)

aren't they the cutest <3

We went shopping before the movie (excl. Luke who did not feel particularly inclined towards going clothes shopping with us) and I may or may not have indulged in underserved retail therapy haha…I found these really cute pink short shorts and a white short sleeve top with some American college print at Jay Jays and at Temt I got these 2 cute lacey tops. Mim found a really pretty aqua dress at Ally and KT bought some jeans at Jay Jays. The only one who came out of that trip empty-handed and pockets full (or in their original state XD) was Ally-wa who I don’t think got anything haha. And also discovered there is now a ICE store at Erina!! Turns out thats what kicked Nova out haha. We didn’t get a chance to go however as we were late for the movie by the time we discovered it and I STILL haven’t had a chance to go over since Thursday as I was been working all day yesterday and from 7am to 2pm today. Which leads me to my second thing.

Another new thing: new job!

So I’ve been working recently at a bakery/coffee shop and its been really fun just working not with the family business like I have been used to. One of the things that also surprised when I first started working (whereas before I was just looking for a job and putting in resumes for ages) is the fact that when you have a job - you actually have to work. Like not just go to work and come home sort of thing. Which was this whole weird, completely unwholistic understanding I had of what-having-a-job means. But other than that it hasn’t been too bad. I really enjoy just working off the beach front and just selling coffee and cake is a nice way to pass the time. And the owners are really nice as well so its quite a nice place to work.

So now I’ve a nice 2 weeks ahead of me in which I hope to catch up on my notes, earn some money and possibly do a photo shoot with Mim, KT and Ally-wa and Paige (which should be really fun! I’m excited), go on a picnic and attend the Tanken Centre workshop for Japanese in the second week so that should be fun.

Okay I better get started on my Wiemar Republic notes for Modern, signing off!

Also I'm back to translating a small segment of my blog posts in Japanese for practice. Or the basic point of it anyway haha.


1年間日本語を勉強しているとて、私の日本語はまだとてもわるんですね。だから、私に許してください!^^;
このポスートは日本語で:

今、たくさんの感じを感じる。ついにしけんの時が追われるよかった。書いていた近代的な歴史とエーステンの数学のしけんはとくにむずかしくて紛らわしかった。 

ほかに私は最近していることは:友達と一緒に映画館に行った。

最近も、ハンガーゲームという新しい映画を見た。すごくおもしろくてすごいかった。見た映画の前に, アリワとカーチとミリアームと一緒に買い物をした。買い物は楽しかったで、私はすごくかわいいピンクな半ズボンや、T―シャツや二つのかわいいシャツを買いた。

もうひとつ新しいこと:あたらしいアルバイト! 

最近私も喫茶店で仕事中をしていた。うっているコーヒーとケーギはすぎる手段はいいでした。 

OK,今私は歴史を勉強しなきゃ、じゃあね! あなたは日本人またわ日本語は上手だと、したいと、私に正してください!私はほんとうに有難いこと〜★ メーセジは大丈夫!!また、私のへたな日本語を許してください。