19th October: Just freeze time around me and stay forever in that while

So it's the 19th October.
I am doing my HSC exams.
I feel like if I keep on repeating that statement it will feel somewhat more real to me. For the most part, I think I definitely overconceptualised it. I always overconceptualise things. But in this instance, more so as I always thought the HSC was something that changes you. That turns you into this super-dedicated person and you come out with a 99.95 ATAR or something, Idk haha. I guess what I believed was that you can be anything you want to be. You can do anything you want to be. But what I forgot was this essential truth -that may seem totally obvious- you cannot become someone better if you remain the way you are. Or something along those lines. I always feel like I am on this path regardless however. Like, I always desire self-improvement. However, whether I achieve it or not - I really don't know.

I feel like change is such a subtle thing. It is slow and silent and you don't notice it's day to day stirrings. But when you look back- when I look back to the girl I was 5 years ago, first starting high school, I definitely am not the same girl anymore. Which made me wonder - what kind of people are we, regardless of these kind of changes, that seem to accompany intrinsically the rivers of time? Which is what I find interesting about the Myer-Briggs Personality Test. It's a really interesting idea to construe, this whole notion of putting people into nice, shiny little psychological boxes. Scientifically proven, tested, true, authentic. To understand yourself, truly from the objective lens of science. I know the test is more of a guide then a definition but regardless, I think it's interesting how accurate it is. I, for instance was evaluated an INTJ. And while I can not identify with 100% of the characteristics on my personality profile I can verify with a large majority of it. Which is kind of scary and affirming at the same time. 

My profile is labelled 'The Strategist'. I never thought that this was the way I thought previously but I am realising more and more how much it rings true. For instance, I didn't realise it but I am a person who always plans for contingency. Which is perhaps also why I don't like to presume in most social contexts. Which is also an introverted thing I wonder? Anyway, there's really too much to really go into in a blog post but yeah, that's my semi-epiphany I just needed to articulate for whatever reason.

Also, it's interesting, I never thought about it before until recently- language can be such a powerful form of psychological treatment. In the words of John Green:

by having language to describe this and metaphors to understand it, the whole affair becomes a little less terrifying. And you can even use language to reconstitute yourself, to say, “I have not become part of some infinite vacuum; I am a human being.” Language is insufficient treatment, of course, even for my relatively minor psychological challenges. But it’s a very useful one, and I think the central reason that David Foster Wallace’s work has become so important to so many people is that it made them feel unalone, even in their most deeply solipsistic places.

Also- this song!